Reality Check

Last night I was jolted back into the reality of why I started this blog: pain. Why am I even sitting down to write this post? I don't know, the last thing I want to do is relive the nightmare of last night. But part of me feels like maybe I can get it all out of my body by transferring it to here.

Its been at least 5 months since my last migraine. I was starting to fall into one of the "I'm cured" attitudes that dangerously teases me 1-2x a year. I will never be cured. I will always live with the threat of a migraine lurking around the corner. The more I allow myself to imagine its over, the worse it will be when it begins again.

I woke up around 3am with a dull ache behind my eyes. This is a strange feeling, I thought, as I stared at my face in the bathroom mirror. I had a relaxing evening and had gone to bed at nearly 9:00... I couldn't figure out why my eyes held this tired, aching feeling.

I got back in to bed and within minutes of hitting the pillow... the dull ache transformed into a searing pain around both my temples. It still wasn't "migraine-worthy" so I got back up and took two aleve, drank a glass of water, and crawled back into bed.

20 minutes passed (the usual time it takes for aleve to work for me) and the pain now pulsated around my eyes, temples, and forehead. A panic crept into my chest as the top of my head also began to throb. Usually, my migraines are preceded by an aura, then almost exactly 20 minutes later a throbbing pain in one temple or the other. I tried to convince myself that since I didn't have an aura, this couldn't be a migraine... but to be safe, got back up and took one of the migraine pills.

30 minutes later I was up and pacing around the apartment. My head was so bad I couldn't lower it down to my pillow. I was hit by waves of nausea that sent me, sweating, running to the bathroom. I held a bag of ice on my head and curled up on the bathroom rug, waiting for something to happen.

With one eye opened, I peeked at the Percocets jammed in the corner of the medicine cabinet, stashed only for emergencies. This was now an emergency. I quickly took one and attempted to crawl back into bed. My head still wouldn't allow me to rest it on the pillow, so I sat up and stared at the dark window, waiting and hoping.

I must have fallen asleep, because suddenly I was pulled upright with intense stomach cramps. I barely made it to the bathroom before puking a belly filled with pills and water :( Damn those painkillers!

But suddenly... the pain began to subside. The nausea shrank to a tiny pull in my stomach. I checked the time - 6am. Three hours of torment finally ending.

Almost 12 hours later and I'm just getting up. Another day lost to the darkness of a migraine. My brain tempts me to feel relief, happiness, a renewed sense of energy. But the leftover twinges of pain pull me into the familiar worry of wondering - what is wrong with me - and how much time until it happens again.

On Gratitude

I've been thinking a lot about gratitude.

Louie Schwartzberg says:

"Beauty and seduction are nature's tool for survival because we protect what we fall in love with. It opens are hearts and makes us realize we are a part of nature, and we're not separate from it. When we see ourselves in nature it also connects us to everyone one of us, because its clear that its all connected in one."

Louie created a video about gratitude and its connection to happiness. His images of nature through the eyes of both a child and an elderly man just warms my heart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXDMoiEkyuQ

I've been thinking a lot about gratitude, not because of nature, but because of Marvin. I read this quote the other day:

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures."

There have been countless moments in the past 11 months where I have found myself in a state of complete happiness. Almost immediately following this bliss - I feel an overwhelming panic of what would happen if it were to be taken away. I can't stop myself; one feeling always, eventually, leads to the other.

Marvin tells me this feeling is fear. And the only thing to replace the fear with is gratitude. Somehow I never thought about this before. Now, it is in each moment where I feel an undeniable sense of happiness, I am able to ultimately identify my true feelings: gratitude.

Long Beach sunset, third date with Marvin, December 2011

The Farmers Market

Marvin is typically next to me when I wake up on Saturday mornings, and our favorite thing to do is lay in bed for hours. Hours. Talking, watching funny youtube videos... whatever. The feeling of NOT having to get up is irreplaceable.

But when he's not here I always take advantage of my second favorite Saturday morning activity: The Farmer's Market.

I am lucky to have a year round FM one block over - in the church parking lot from 8am-2pm every Saturday. There's just something about the open bins of brightly colored pesticide-free fruits and vegetables, ice coolers filled with organic beef, poultry, and fish, and the unforgettable smell of fresh apple cider.

More often than not, I just wander around grazing my fingers over all the produce, asking stand owners questions as if I am going to buy. Picturing the delicious soups and side dishes I could cook up in my kitchen. But then I leave and head straight over to Oren's coffee to get my small skim latte with very processed vanilla syrup.

But today I just couldn't resist. The tall bright green leeks sat bundled next to the white stumpy cauliflower bunches and called out: Cauliflower Leek soup! The tart green Granny Smith apples yelled: Dip me and almond butter and take a bite! The fresh clams, on sale, whispered "Simmer me, steam me, whatever you'd like.

Its not every day that food speaks to me. So today I just had to give in.

Living Primal

So I finished the 5-day Dukan diet Attack phase (pure, lean protein... nothing else) and lost about 4 pounds. But after the detox I am really craving fruits & veggies and not feeling too motivated to sticking with Dukan. So I finally picked up the Paleo diet book I bought last year and read it cover to cover. I'm super excited about making the slow transition to a Paleo or primal lifestyle. The basic idea is going back to the diet/lifestyle our ancestors came from... like ancestors meaning cavemen. NO refined, processed foods are allowed, including flour/grains. But there are really no other rules... no calorie counting or food restrictions, etc. "Primal" is a little more lenient than Paleo.... Paleo says no dairy at all (from a cow) because our ancestors never ate dairy... and there are a billion other reasons why our body doesn't do well with cow milk anyway. Primal eating says that SOME dairy is okay... but its better to stick to organic milk and goat cheese.

Here are the (very) basic, and seemingly obvious guidelines of Primal living. The "blueprint" is based on healthy living 10,000 years ago :)

1) Eat lots of animals and plants (Eliminate grains, sugars, trans- and hydrogenated fats from your diet.)
2) Move around a lot at a slow pace (low level aerobic activity 2-5x a week)
3) Lift heavy things (lift weights 2-5x a week)
4) Get lots of sleep
5) Play
6) Get sunlight every day
7) Avoid trauma (Eliminate self-destructive behaviors)
8) Avoid poisonous things (Avoid exposure to chemical toxins in your food (pesticides, herbicides, chemicals, etc) and on your skin. Avoid the hidden poisons in foods like sugars, grains, processed foods, trans and hydrogenated fats, etc)
9) Use your mind 

Most of these are pretty self-explanatory. I'm mostly focusing on the eating aspects. My friend and her husband have been "eating primal" for almost 2 years and they lost a ton of weight, feel more energized, and never get sick.

So basically: Lean meats and vegetables are healthy, grains and sugars should be avoided. 

There are some food that are listed on the "moderation" list, and I think for this to work for me, I definitely need to keep some of those foods:

Eggs – Paleo says they are ok, in moderation. I eat a lot of egg whites so I think I'm good. And better to stick with cage free, organic eggs

Nuts – in moderation they are okay, and I'll probably eat some to replace all the crunchy saltiness I get from carbs

Coffee/Tea – Strict primal eaters eliminate caffeine all together, but I cannot live without my morning cup of coffee. 

Beans & Legumes – They are a strict NO on Paleo and primal guidelines! The ONLY problem I have with this is hummus :( I don't think I can go without hummus!!! But I did find this cool recipe that I may try http://libidiny.blogspot.com/search/label/hummus)

Dark Chocolate – Will def have this in moderation

Red Wine – Will def have this in moderation

Cheese – This is another big no in the Paleo book - but primal says SOME is okay... the more aged the better, and any cheese from goat or sheeps milk is best

Yams and Sweet Potatoes – Will def have these in moderation because its basically the only true "starch" allowed

I got most of my info about primal eating from this website http://www.marksdailyapple.com/category/smart-fuel/#axzz2CX4t15SW. It has an endless amount of information on it. I wish I could carry it around in my pocket all day!

This page is also great "primal bluebrint" shopping list

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/primal-blueprint-shopping-list/#axzz2CX4t15SW

Right now

I am drinking a glass of red wine. I am slowly erasing the 1.5 hours of traffic I just fought.

This glass once had another half. I guess I once had another half too. What's he doing right now? Does he have his half? Is he thinking of me?

But now I have a better "half" :)

I've lost 3.8 pounds since Monday. Its kind of crazy but this diet is kind of crazy so I'm not surprised. I just want to scream: "3.8 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" But for what? No one can notice, not even me, and its probably not real.

And every inch of every inch of me is loved to pieces by my wonderful, amazing, boyfriend - so he doesn't want to hear "3.8 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" either. He could care less.

Yesterday, when I got a haircut, I had a sudden urge to cut it all off. Well not all, but to my chin. The weight of my hair on my back and neck started to suffocate me.

I guess every now and then, we all want to get of some baggage. I took off 4 inches. Feels like a new day.

Right now, on the Food Network, they are making "head cheese" - which is actually - pig cheek sausage. I honestly just gagged as the chef held the pug head by its ears and dipped it in and out of a bucket of brine. BARF.

I always try to think of a good ending for blog posts. Witty, sentimental, tie it back to the intro. Why? What's the point? Who reads this besides me anyway.

The Old Lady and the Bracelet

Dear Old Lady with the bracelet:

I'm sorry that for a moment, when I saw you, standing in the doorway of the trash room, I thought you were homeless. My heart momentarily lurched into my stomach, when I imagined the conversation I might have with a homeless person occupying the trash room.

Then you smiled and I remembered that you live here. We've had a conversation. I'm sorry that I forgot.

When you asked me for a favor, I couldn't help the irritation - creeping up my neck... I couldn't help thinking: Why me?

But then you held out your tarnished gold bracelet, a delicate string of knots and braids.

Could I please help you put it on?

As my fingers struggled to join the tiny clasp, I listened to your story:

This was a bracelet from an old friend. Tonight I am meeting her for dinner, and I want to wear the bracelet. I couldn't put on the bracelet myself. So I waited inside the trash room until someone nice came along. 

I'm sorry that when you asked me if it was raining out, I could not think of an answer.

I was wondering what led you here, waiting in the trash room, for someone to help you with your bracelet.

I was wondering what happened to your husband. Was there ever one?

I was wondering what it felt like to be your kind of lonely. What it felt like to be - alone. 

I wanted to ask you if you were alright. I wanted to invite you up for coffee. I wanted to know if you are the one who leaves the old, dusty, books in the lobby. Sometimes I read them.

But instead I told you "no, it's not raining" and pulled my lips into a tight smile.

I released your tiny wrist from my hands.

Old Lady with the bracelet, what is your name?

Real & Guilty Pleasure

Real pleasure:

I just got back from Cancun. Our first vacation together. There was a moment (actually, more than one moment) where I peered up into the crisp blue sky... my chest bursting with affection for this man next to me waist deep in the ocean, and thought "I am so, so, SO happy." Is there any other feeling that measures up to that?

Guilty pleasure:

I am (was) OBSESSED with the Bachelorette. The finale was Sunday night an I literally tossed and turned the last night in Mexico thinking who did Emily pick? Today I refused to access any sort of social media for fear I would find out before watching the 2 hour finale + live special of "After the Final Rose." Oh how the tears rolled down my cheeks as Jef with one F waited 10 whole seconds on one knee for Emily to say yes. I am literally in love with the two of them. The twitter stalking begins so I can continue to be a steady presence in their lives.

And... on Pain

Tonight is the night - I start the slow decline on the old med and begin a new one. Who knew 2 years later and I'd still be playing these games. I just finished doing what I do best, picked migraine blogs clean to see what everyone thinks - Nortriptyline (new drug) seems pretty tame and surprisingly successful. I can't wait to get off Topamax - for some reason after 2 years I am feeling some weird side effects. And my headaches overall on the same. Yet, I am nervous to put another little pill on my tongue and allow more chemicals into my body.

Paying for what you get

Almost every morning (That I don't have work) I get the same breakfast from my two regular corner stores: Tony's Farm (a ridiculous name for the deli/convenience store down the block) and Oren's coffee. This is what I order, to the "T"

Tony's Farm: 2 Egg whites, 1 slice of turkey, 1 slice of swiss cheese, salt, pepper, and ketchup on a whole wheat wrap ($4.90). What makes me angry is that for $2.50 you can get sausage, egg and cheese on a roll! One time I asked why mine was so much more expensive... they told me extra for egg whites, extra for the wrap, and extra because I'm having deli meat + eggs. What?!?! It pays to be healthy :( And let me tell you, my measly little wrap comes out to be about half the size and "meat" of the whopping greasy sausage egg and cheese my boyfriend orders every Sunday morning.

Oren's: Small iced coffee with one pump of vanilla and slash of milk ($3.10). $55 cents extra for the one pump of vanilla! It kills me because they'll gladly pump 5-10 in there if I don't ask, but I still have to pay the same for the one little splash :( Good ol' Tony's Farm will give me an iced coffee double the size for $1.50, but it taste like burnt beans and I just love me some Oren's.