Goals

1) Work out 3 or more times a week
2) Join a soccer league (7/8)
3) Lose 30 pounds
4) Order urbanorganics (7/8) - cook one healthy meal per week
5) Take a cooking class
6) Go to the movie alone
7) Take grandma to a Broadway play

Vitamin D

Vacation is a form of healing of everyone. My vacation began (literally) with pain. I stood on the airport security line hunched over, arms crossed, with the ever familiar burning pains searing through my abdomen. Stuck in a line with nowhere to go, I went to a different place and willed myself to move forward. As always, 30 minutes or so later, I was bright-eyed and "better," trying to erase the memory of the "mystery" pain.

This seems like a good time to explain my stomach woes. February 9th 2011 was the date of my surgery: gallbladder removal. Prior to the surgery, I had been experience 8 years of upper right abdominal pain. Once every few months I would develop a pain in my upper right side, near my ribs that would grow stronger and last 15-24 hours. Nothing would help it except painkillers; which would only help slightly. These "episodes," happening only once a year or so, eventually started happening every few weeks. I got every GI test known to man, CT scans, MRIs, ultrasounds, kept food diaries, etc and everything came back normal- always. Only one recent test, a HYDA scan; came back "abnormal gallbladder dysfunction." While this test is not completely reliable, 3 different doctors agreed that since my pain was located specifically at my gallbladder for so many years, I should remove it. They also agreed that gallbladder surgery is safe, effective, common, and has little to no side effects. "I dont need my gallbladder."

The gallbladder surgery went well, and the recovery- in terms of the surgery was fine. It was laproscopic and I have 3 tiny scars. I am also happy to say I have not had that upper right pain.

However... 10 days after the surgery I woke up with intense pain in my stomach... burning, searing pain right in the middle by my diaphragm. I nearly couldn't breathe. After 30 minutes or so, it was gone. That was on Februrary 20th. Since that day it has happened almost every single day. Not a doctor, the surgeon, the GI doctors, can figure out what's wrong. I have been trying some medicines which seem to help on some days. Otherwise, I am hoping to heal.

So there I was, boarding the plan, recovering from my 30 minutes of pain.


There is just something about sunshine. When I finally reached the sand, I let the rays penetrate every inch of my skin. I felt no pain, nothing. Is this what it feels like to heal, I thought. I curled my toes downward into the sand as deep as they could go. I stretched my arms over my head and exposed my whole abdomen to the sky.

A bit of spring

To wake up without pain brings sunshine to any of my days, despite the weather. This day in particular, actually felt like Spring. And on the way home with my soy chai, my stomach began to churn and I picked up the pace. Yet, something seemed different on my block. I slowed my step, breathed in the cool blue air, and willed my body to act normally. Then I noticed the bright red tulips right under my nose.



And under every tree all the way down to the end of the block. A smile crept across my face as an elderly woman and her dog pushed past me, annoyed for stopping in the middle of her path.



I decided to sit by the red tulips. And for the moment, I was healed.

Secrets.

From a mother to her daughter:

Every woman needs secrets. Remember that when you're old like me, because the world has a way of making a woman's life everyone else's business- you have to dig out a little place that's only yours.

As I read this, I couldn't help breathe a sigh of relief. I decided today I will keep my secrets.

7 days

7 days without stomach pain. A peek at a normalcy

It has already returned and I am back to the push and pull of life and pain.

Superstitions

I refuse to bring something up if I don't want it to happen. For example, its Friday afternoon at 4:45 and so far, no traffic. Amazing. Wonderful. An anomaly. A conversation piece for everyone in the car. However, I refuse to bring it up. Because the moment I say it, I know it: gridlock.

On pain
My first migraine was some time during my junior year of college. I woke up with what doctors note on their charts as the "WHE" (worst headache ever). I immediately started puking, crying, I thought I was dying. My roommates rushed me to the hospital and I was drugged up, tested, labeled "migraine" and sent off with some extra strength acetaminophen in my pocket.

2 years later at my first job in the big city I see white flashing lines. My vision is obscured. My heart stops. What do you do when something is happening to your body you can't control, can't explain, can't name? 20 minutes later I am hit again with the worst headache ever. I am back in the hospital. I have another label. Migraine auras.

1 year later the flashing lines return. Before I remember what is coming after it comes. It is too late for my expired special acetominophen. I am destined to 8 hours of pain.

When I see my first neurologist I am overcome with hope. A neurologist sounds like the smartest doctor there is. He can help me. Little orange pills are placed in my palms. "You are lucky you get the aura. It is a warning before the pain. Take the pills and there will be no pain."

It has been 5 years. Hundreds of auras. Hundreds of migraines. Days of my life have become blank spots of pain spent in dark silent rooms. Other pain free days have been lost to hours of panic wondering "when will the next one come." Bottles and bottles of pills have passed through my body in order to prevent and abort "the migraine."

Why me?



Now, On healing.
I am in control now. The medications and me. And one day, just me. I dont know how many days it has been without a migraine and I won't count because... well you know. But it has been many. I itch to share my story as one of hope and healing but I am too haunted by the pain and the possibility of its return.

On pain and healing

I can't exactly pinpoint the last time in my life I didn't have pain. We're talking about physical pain here. And before I begin, I need to clear the air. To my knowledge I don't have any life threatening diseases. I'm in my late twenties and according to doctors, I'm in pretty good health. For that I am lucky and thankful. But I do have some physical ailments that have caused me excruciating pain for almost 10 years now. My personality, relationships, and life have been affected in multiple ways. And today I have decided I am going to write. About the pain.

And about the hope for healing I still hold on to. To have a wedding day where I don't have to worry about it being ruined by pain. To become pregnant without having to worry about dangerous interacting medications. To be a good mother who doesn't have to hide in dark quiet rooms overcome by pain. To continue to grow in my career and handle the demands of high stress job, without pain.

Maybe if I write, keep track of these days, moments with no pain... I can hold on to them. Precious nuggets of pleasure slipping through my fingers.