Real & Guilty Pleasure

Real pleasure:

I just got back from Cancun. Our first vacation together. There was a moment (actually, more than one moment) where I peered up into the crisp blue sky... my chest bursting with affection for this man next to me waist deep in the ocean, and thought "I am so, so, SO happy." Is there any other feeling that measures up to that?

Guilty pleasure:

I am (was) OBSESSED with the Bachelorette. The finale was Sunday night an I literally tossed and turned the last night in Mexico thinking who did Emily pick? Today I refused to access any sort of social media for fear I would find out before watching the 2 hour finale + live special of "After the Final Rose." Oh how the tears rolled down my cheeks as Jef with one F waited 10 whole seconds on one knee for Emily to say yes. I am literally in love with the two of them. The twitter stalking begins so I can continue to be a steady presence in their lives.

And... on Pain

Tonight is the night - I start the slow decline on the old med and begin a new one. Who knew 2 years later and I'd still be playing these games. I just finished doing what I do best, picked migraine blogs clean to see what everyone thinks - Nortriptyline (new drug) seems pretty tame and surprisingly successful. I can't wait to get off Topamax - for some reason after 2 years I am feeling some weird side effects. And my headaches overall on the same. Yet, I am nervous to put another little pill on my tongue and allow more chemicals into my body.

Paying for what you get

Almost every morning (That I don't have work) I get the same breakfast from my two regular corner stores: Tony's Farm (a ridiculous name for the deli/convenience store down the block) and Oren's coffee. This is what I order, to the "T"

Tony's Farm: 2 Egg whites, 1 slice of turkey, 1 slice of swiss cheese, salt, pepper, and ketchup on a whole wheat wrap ($4.90). What makes me angry is that for $2.50 you can get sausage, egg and cheese on a roll! One time I asked why mine was so much more expensive... they told me extra for egg whites, extra for the wrap, and extra because I'm having deli meat + eggs. What?!?! It pays to be healthy :( And let me tell you, my measly little wrap comes out to be about half the size and "meat" of the whopping greasy sausage egg and cheese my boyfriend orders every Sunday morning.

Oren's: Small iced coffee with one pump of vanilla and slash of milk ($3.10). $55 cents extra for the one pump of vanilla! It kills me because they'll gladly pump 5-10 in there if I don't ask, but I still have to pay the same for the one little splash :( Good ol' Tony's Farm will give me an iced coffee double the size for $1.50, but it taste like burnt beans and I just love me some Oren's.

Goals

1) Work out 3 or more times a week
2) Join a soccer league (7/8)
3) Lose 30 pounds
4) Order urbanorganics (7/8) - cook one healthy meal per week
5) Take a cooking class
6) Go to the movie alone
7) Take grandma to a Broadway play

Vitamin D

Vacation is a form of healing of everyone. My vacation began (literally) with pain. I stood on the airport security line hunched over, arms crossed, with the ever familiar burning pains searing through my abdomen. Stuck in a line with nowhere to go, I went to a different place and willed myself to move forward. As always, 30 minutes or so later, I was bright-eyed and "better," trying to erase the memory of the "mystery" pain.

This seems like a good time to explain my stomach woes. February 9th 2011 was the date of my surgery: gallbladder removal. Prior to the surgery, I had been experience 8 years of upper right abdominal pain. Once every few months I would develop a pain in my upper right side, near my ribs that would grow stronger and last 15-24 hours. Nothing would help it except painkillers; which would only help slightly. These "episodes," happening only once a year or so, eventually started happening every few weeks. I got every GI test known to man, CT scans, MRIs, ultrasounds, kept food diaries, etc and everything came back normal- always. Only one recent test, a HYDA scan; came back "abnormal gallbladder dysfunction." While this test is not completely reliable, 3 different doctors agreed that since my pain was located specifically at my gallbladder for so many years, I should remove it. They also agreed that gallbladder surgery is safe, effective, common, and has little to no side effects. "I dont need my gallbladder."

The gallbladder surgery went well, and the recovery- in terms of the surgery was fine. It was laproscopic and I have 3 tiny scars. I am also happy to say I have not had that upper right pain.

However... 10 days after the surgery I woke up with intense pain in my stomach... burning, searing pain right in the middle by my diaphragm. I nearly couldn't breathe. After 30 minutes or so, it was gone. That was on Februrary 20th. Since that day it has happened almost every single day. Not a doctor, the surgeon, the GI doctors, can figure out what's wrong. I have been trying some medicines which seem to help on some days. Otherwise, I am hoping to heal.

So there I was, boarding the plan, recovering from my 30 minutes of pain.


There is just something about sunshine. When I finally reached the sand, I let the rays penetrate every inch of my skin. I felt no pain, nothing. Is this what it feels like to heal, I thought. I curled my toes downward into the sand as deep as they could go. I stretched my arms over my head and exposed my whole abdomen to the sky.

A bit of spring

To wake up without pain brings sunshine to any of my days, despite the weather. This day in particular, actually felt like Spring. And on the way home with my soy chai, my stomach began to churn and I picked up the pace. Yet, something seemed different on my block. I slowed my step, breathed in the cool blue air, and willed my body to act normally. Then I noticed the bright red tulips right under my nose.



And under every tree all the way down to the end of the block. A smile crept across my face as an elderly woman and her dog pushed past me, annoyed for stopping in the middle of her path.



I decided to sit by the red tulips. And for the moment, I was healed.

Secrets.

From a mother to her daughter:

Every woman needs secrets. Remember that when you're old like me, because the world has a way of making a woman's life everyone else's business- you have to dig out a little place that's only yours.

As I read this, I couldn't help breathe a sigh of relief. I decided today I will keep my secrets.

7 days

7 days without stomach pain. A peek at a normalcy

It has already returned and I am back to the push and pull of life and pain.